Mother's Day and The Life Denied
Today I celebrated a very beautiful Mother's Day with my mom. We watched some movies and TV, and we went for a drive in the country. It was a beautiful day.
Then I began thinking about motherhood. And an old pain awoke inside me. One that I often keep to myself because I don't think, even now, I can truly describe what it feels like.
I read a lot of fantasy and romance books. I watch similar sorts of TV Shows. I'm hooked on “A Discovery of Witches” at the moment. All told from a woman's perspective. For, what I hope are obvious reasons, that sort of main character greatly appeals to me.
Sometimes in these books and shows, and stories...sometimes the concept of pregnancy and having a child comes up. And, maybe it sounds weird, but sometimes if it hits me the wrong way...it hurts.
I'm always happy for the character, presuming it's something she wanted...but, there are times...
I have, in my journey, of now nearly 49 years, wondered what it would be like to have a child, experience pregnancy, and such. To be completely clear, my life is not now, nor has it ever been, compatible with having and raising children. Truly I am likely to have still passed on them anyway if I had been born with the required biology. But then, see, I come to the next thing that hurts. I wasn't born that way. And because I wasn't born that way, at no point, even in my earliest childhood memories, did I ever dream of being a mom. I knew from the earliest lessons, girls had babies and boys didn't. And I was a boy. Therefore, I wouldn't.
I know there are women who may dream of it as children and then decide, as they grow older, that it's just not for them, and they don't need a child to have a full and happy life. That's wonderful. It truly is.
Others, may decide young they don't want children, and just be happy with that. Others may at least like that they could change their mind in the future if they, personally, chose to.
And, tragically, there are women who want children and struggle and fight all their lives to have one, just to be met with disappointment when even medical technology can't help them. That's a level of pain all it's own, and I will not, for one second, suggest that I know how shattering that must feel.
But, being a woman who, first, wasn't born with the right parts and, two, was taught from birth that, in general terms, that's why she'd never have one and that was the right and proper way to be... ...then I never had that chance to even look out the window and dream, or wonder, or think about what it might be like. That's what i dwell on in these unguarded moments. Something else I missed out on.
I look back on my life and all the twists and turns that brought me to the here and now...and I'm very happy with where I am. But still...I'm sad I was never in The Girl Scouts. I'm sad I didn't learn about makeup from my mom (until recently). I'm sad I couldn't relish with delight, finding the right outfit and the right set of colors to start the day (These days I love doing that). I'm sad the world never got to see me as me when I was so much younger than I am now.
Now, all this being said, I AM glad I finally decided to do something about it. I'm going to live as my true self for as many years as I have left. That makes me exceedingly happy. But I'm always going to have regrets about the life that could have been.
Until next time...
“In a world that sometimes forgets, be the reminder that kindness still matters.” —Serinthia Kelberry